Priti Patel demands review of the ‘kipper laws’ after Windsor Castle incident

The home secretary tells officials to look at possible ways to strengthen controls on the carrying of ‘kippers’ in wake of Christmas Day arrest.

We all enjoy kippers but the thought of being ‘slapped about the face’ with one is not a pleasant thought.

On Christmas day, a lunatic was allegedly trying to deliver kippers to the Royal Family and was stopped entering the grounds that is surrounded by 15 foot high fencing, 24/7 security guards with automatic weapons and security cameras monitoring every entrance.

The fruitcake was alleged to have been overheard saying “I am going to give her Majesty a good ole slapping about the face for turning a blind eye to Prince Andrew’s activities with a minor“.

The head of Windsor Castle security gave the following statement;

We are tasked with protecting one of the most easily accissble places in the UK, a Royal Palace, that has limited security.

We are only provided automatic weapons and body armour, our precise locations are tracked by CCTV at all times.

The residents are extremely vulnerable and the law is not tough enough to protect us, we demand change.

It is distubing how 92.7% of UK residents have the privilige of B&Q Yale locks and reinforced UPVC front doors which are far more secure that our Kevlar doors.  The Security at Windsor Castle is at an all time low, we cannot afford such security so we must provoke a change to the law to protect those most at risk.

47-year-old Ms Georgina Johnson from Bedfordshire said;

I was confronted by a frustrated old man from Bedfordshire, he was about 5 foot 2 inches, I was about to tell him to do one, then he pulled a fresh kipper from his pocket, I was devastated how such a weapon was brandished by my home, I have 13 children and partner so I acted without hesitation, I closed my UPVC door in his face!

Georgina went on to say;

I heard the little fella whining through the letter box so I called the police.  Their response was Sorry, you brought this on yourself, you cannot be a victim unless, we decide who can be a victim.

Ms Johnson is believed to be considering a Judicial Review against the police.

The Metropolitan police are investigating a video, which has been linked to the suspect, which appears to show him at a local fishmonger, buying the alleged weapon.  The video was posted on an extremist website that teaches people how to use a kipper as a weapon.

A Home Office spokesperson said the department had been instructed by Priti Patel to look at possible ways to “strengthen controls” on the dangerous fish which, if used in an attack can leave red inflammation on your face and an unpleasant smell.

The government is considering a national cull on kippers, but say this may only lead to people modifying other fish such as a common trout which could have an equally damaging effect.

An unnamed spokesperson for MI23 said: “This is not a Red Herring, this is a Kipper and legislation is already in place to deal with those who use them as a weapon.”

The man who was arrested on Christmas Day within the grounds of the castle in Berkshire where the Queen is in residence has been sectioned under the Mental Health Act, the Metropolitan police said and they are considering charges for carrying a fish without a license.

Under current legislation, it is an offence for anyone under 18 to buy or possess a Kipper with the intent of using it as a weapon although people opposing say, “Kippers are not intended to be used as weapons, it only takes one nutter to ruin it for the rest, we love kippers and will still carry them concealed from view if necessary.”

The queen is said to be in a state of shock, and we are informed she has said;

I am an elderly lady, living alone.  I am vulnerable and cannot afford security to keep these nutters away. I urge Priti Patel to change the law to protect ME as I am not privileged like the other vulnerable people of the UK who have UPVC doors.

Parliament is now considering a bill for the Dangerous Kipper Act 2022

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